Last nigh I was left robbed, raped, and crying. And I blame Vince McMahon. Wrestlemania sucked the biggest dick you could ever imagine. And unless you’re some sex fiend broad, that ain’t a good thing. I’m not retarded- I knew John Cena was winning, but I felt the way in which he’d win would be surprising. I also thought that Punk vs Undertake and HHH vs Brock Lesnar was going to be entertaining battles. Not in the least, though. Punk carried Undertaker as much as he could, but overall it was a letdown. Except for when Punk tried putting Taker through the announce table but to his surprise… it didn’t break. How’s your leg and ribs feeling today, bruh? HHH and Lesnar featured no blood and no “wow” moments. Just your normal Raw match set for Wrestlemania. Then to make matters worse, these fools canceled the mixed tag team match. How the fuck are you going to leave Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes, the Bella Twins, Tensai and Brodus Clay off the card? For the last year WWE has fucked Tensai over, Brodus Clay is easily one of the biggest selling faces to kids, and Sandow and Rhodes are two of the bright young stars going. Not to mention there were no divas featured on Wrestlemania. Get to marching, feminists.
But lets get back to the bright young stars. WWE is becoming notorious with ruining young talent. They’re can’t seem to figure out what to do with Sandow and Rhodes. One moment they’re singles, then they’re a tag team, then they’re back at singles, now they’re a tag team again. And being left off of Mania. Nice job, guys. The worst is Dolph Ziggler, though. This guy is easily one of the best performers going for the organization. Yet he won Money In The Bank in July and WWE still can’t find the time for him to cash it in. And its April. Nope, they’ll just have him wrestle a tag team match as one of the earlier matches of the night. Then do absolutely nothing with him afterwards. Holy shit. The writers just keep using the same personalities over and over, because they make money. They throw John Cena, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, HHH, Undertaker, and CM Punk at us. With CM Punk being about the only entertaining one. Before last night, I would have added HHH to the mix. I’ve always been a fan of his. But its apparent that his time, and Taker’s is coming to an end. Its just not there anymore. WWE doesn’t care though. They’ll keep trotting them out because the lunatic 80’s and 90’s fans will pay to see them, even if the entertainment is lackluster. Last nights main event was less entertaintaing than me playing WWE ’13. My 4-year old cousin could have scripted a better match. The only moves used were the Rock’s DDT, The Rock Bottom, The People’s Elbow, Cena’s STF, The Attitude Adjustment, a sleeperhold, and the sharpshooter. That’s it. And I’m not exaggerating it a bit. I believe 6 Rock Bottoms were used and 4 or 5 Attitude Adjustments. The last 3 minutes or so were constant reverses of each move performed by both guys. It was atrocious. My buddies and I were just laughing in disgust that they’d trot these fools out and think this was entertaining.
I guess the joke was on us, though, because we paid the $70 to watch the program. Vince pulled a fast one on all of us. He easily earned millions of dollars off last night, there’s going to be tons of fans claiming how awesome it was, and there will be tons more tuning in tonight to watch Raw. Cena is the new champion, even though he can’t wrestle a lick- i.e. Hulk Hogan of our generation- while guys like CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan get thrown bones here and there because they don’t “market” well outside of the ring. Fucking, Christ. Everything is about the bottom dollar. And nothing is about our interest. Vince needs to send his contact information my way and I’ll gladly give him some insight into a fan’s perspective. I’ll even be a cheap writer. Couple hundred thousand a year and I’m good. Let’s make this happen, Vinny Mac. @WaterCooolerCEO is my Twitter handle, or simply leave me a comment in the comment section.
PS, Rock is definitely announcing his “retirement” or “going away.” You don’t just cry after your match, tell the fans bye and that you love them, and have it just be some regular day. Also, side note, how fucking gross was it to see him lift John Cena’s hand after the match. Ah, hello WWE, you did that same script about 11 years ago when The Rock and Stone Cold finished their Wrestlemania match. Bring me something new, God damn it.
PSS, I just keep looking at photos of AJ Lee and The Bella’s to get me through the day. Its been a rough one.
PSSS, I’m not saying I would ever give my own mother to a psychotic political leader, but if Kim Jong-Un ever came to me and offered AJ Lee as my wife until the day I died in return for my mother, Sandra might be forced to learn Korean. My love is becoming that strong for April Jeanette.
And yes, that first image of her is my iPhone lockscreen. Game changer.