Its no secret that television, especially reality television has hit its low point. With the likes of Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, The Real Housewives, Teen Mom, and shit like Toddlers And Tiaras. Every time I surf through the channels I’m reminded of how mentally challenged so many humans around me are. However, it really stuck out to me earlier this week. While at my buddy’s house, him, his brother and I were talking about how real some shows were and how shitty other ones were. Many of these shitty TV shows are inspired by redneck hillbilly life. Its awful. A gross interpretation of life. This got me to thinking about writing a blog about the shittiest TV shows brought to you by hillbilly rednecks currently being aired. So I bring to you the Top 10 Worst TV Shows Brought On By Hillbilly Rednecks:10) Gold Rush
This show focuses on the mining of gold found in Alaska and the Klondike, by various teams of miners. These guys rock hardhats, play with large mechanical equipment all day and dig through dirt looking for gold. These dudes ooze hillbilly.9) Deadliest Catch
This show focuses on fishermen aboard fishing vessels in the Bering Sea during the Alaskan king crab and C. opilio crab fishing seasons. This job is said to be one of the most risky jobs going. And yet there are still people who choose to do it. These guys basically live on a boat fishing for an extended period of time. Fishing for shit like crabs. Crabs. Not sharks or big ass trophy fish. Fucking crabs. Only hillbillies love fishing that much.8) Ax Men
Here’s a program follows several logging crews into the forests of Northwest Oregon, Washington and Montana. The show highlights the dangers encountered by the loggers. Thanks for highlighting the dangers a logger encounters but I’m not quite sure why I would care about such an activity. Or why anyone would think anyone besides a fucking logger or family member of a logger would care. And if they did care then they should just pick up their cell phone and call/text that person to discuss it. Not waste valuable TV time airing such a boring program. You bring axes into the woods, you chop trees down and sometimes the trees fall on you- possibly killing you. I get it.7) Southie Rules
Southie Rules follows the day-to-day life of the Niedzwiecki family, a multi-generational family located in South Boston that lives all under one roof. They’re not so much hillbilly rednecks as their actions are. They just screamed redneck to me when I caught 5-minutes of their premiere episode. It got as bad as to having one of the brothers sell meatballs to the neighbors on his bicycle so that he could pay the cable bill. That’s fucking redneck if I ever heard it.6) Buckwild
I wrote about this show a little while back. Its your basically run of the mill MTV show these day. It follows 9 teenage/young adults through West Virginia as they do dumb, redneck, teenage shit. It reminded me of a dumber, younger Jersey Shore. And that’s something I never thought I would ever say, a dumber Jersey Shore.5) Dual Survival
This is going to hurt a lot of people’s feelings, but Dual Survival is fucking hillbilly as hillbilly gets. It features a pair of survival experts, Cody Lundin and Dave Canterbury in challenging environments. Season 3 will feature a change as Dave will be replaced with Joseph Teti. Doesn’t matter who’s featured in the show, watching grown men run around the woods in no shoes and trying to make fire out of a light bulb isn’t electrifying television. I think I’d rather watch men log, fish, or mine gold.4) Duck Dynasty
Duck Dynasty follows the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their family-operated business, Duck Commander, which makes products for duck hunters, primarily the duck call named Duck Commander. This is Beverly Hillbillies version 2013. The Robertson’s hunt ducks and own Duck Commander. I saw this program on my TV guide and decided to see what it was about. Well, I laughed and then thought back to writing this blog. Who the hell cares that much about ducks? Only duck hunter I ever saw was the Nintendo video game. And if the game in any indication, I’m head and shoulders out of the Robertson’s league. I don’t need a stinking duck commando to garner a perfect score. Just my trusty poach hunting down my prey.
I’ll give him that prerequisite of marrying a girl, she’s gotta be able to cook. Looks aren’t everything these days.3) Moonshiners
Moonshiners dictates the life of people who illegally produce moonshine in the Appalachian Mountains of North Carolina, Virginia, and South Carolina. That’s right, there’s a show that follows people around doing illegal activity. I don’t know about you but if I’m participating in illegal activity I don’t want cameras following me around. Hell I don’t want people with me in general. I want to do that shit solo dolo. Take every last bit of that illegal activity to the grave with me. Not rednecks though. For a little bit of money and some TV time, they’ll let you record everything they do. They live in the woods of Carolina and Virginia, not like anyone is going to find them.2) Swamp People
The show Swamp People follows the day-to-day activities for several Cajuns living in the Atchafalaya River Basin swamp in Louisiana, USA who hunt American alligators for a living. This is my show right here. This was my main inspiration for this blog. It was so close to being #1. So, so, so very close. I actually watched this show for a bit yesterday. I loved the hardcore hillbilly accents everyone had, even this 12-year chick that was on it. It was hilarious watching her talk about catching alligators with her mom. Totally reminded me of every kind of chick I would not put my dick inside. No way I’m volunteering my services to go hunt down alligators in the swamp. Alligators are the closest thing to living dinosaurs and they will willingly eat my ass without even questioning it. Rednecks on the other hand don’t care. They go out there in a t-shirt and pants, some rope and a rifle and they hunt them some gator. Roughly 12 a day. All day, everyday.1) Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a reality television program on TLC that features seven-year-old child beauty pageant participant Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, along with her mother June Shannon, father Mike Thompson, and three older sisters. The show is mostly filmed in and around the family’s hometown in rural McIntyre, Georgia, United States. Basically if you don’t know what or who Honey Boo Boo is then you must have been living underneath a rock. These guys are the epitome of hillbillies and rednecks. They may have even redefined the game. Put it on a whole new level. This broad is huge. And so is her mom and the rest of her family. Literally huge. As in size, not popularity. She is a 7-year old beauty pageant participant who weighs probably 125-pounds. That’s how low the standards are in the south. A 125-pound 7-year old can become a beauty pageant star. There are actual beauty pageant stars who are 21-years old and they don’t even weigh 125-pounds. This chick’s favorite meal is microwaved spaghetti and ketchup. I wouldn’t eat that if I were dying on a deserted island and that was all there was left. I would just look up to Baby J and say, ‘its been a good ride. I’ll see you on the other side.’ Not southern redneck hillbillies though. That’s a delicacy to them. They start their day digging for some gold, then they chop down some trees, they go buckwild with their boys hunting duck and gators while sipping on their moonshine, and then they finish the day off with a nice little plate of spaghetti and ketchup. All in the life of a hillbilly redneck.
Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you’re probably a hillbilly redneck and therefore I do not care.