NASCAR’s Daytona 500 Is Here! Make Sure You Turn Left, Guys!


I’ll admit that I watch NASCAR.  Its my dad’s fault, he’s the one who got me into watching it.  Its easily the most redneck thing about me.  That I’ll sit around for a few hours and watch dudes race around a track at 190mph, almost killing each other with their cars.  But at the same time, I have no problem with mocking the shit out of NASCAR.  There’s a lot to mock about it.  The fans are bonkers.  Straight up looney bin worthy.  Like the chick who will raccoon a trash bin because you didn’t take it out fast enough.  Now you’re left picking up liter like some community service felon.  Shit just isn’t right if you ask me.

So with today being the big day, the Super Bowl of NASCAR, the Daytona 500, I know the south went awol last night.  Everyone was out lost getting drunk somewhere talking about how ‘I can’t wait to watch them there guys turn left at the Daytona.’  The smartest thing they all said was that Danica was crashing within the halfway point.  I don’t see her making 50 laps, but I’ll give her to lap 100 for a bet.  Im taking under all day, everyday on a 100-lap Danica crashing at Daytona bet.  Easiest money I’ll make since last night when I tried betting that my girl Rowdy Ronda Rousey was going to submit Liz Carmouche.  Unfortunately everyone is smarter than they look and no one wanted to bet me either way.  I have some anti-gambling friends.

Easiest way to figure out who is going to win is to look up who has the worst education and who makes the least amount of money.  Poor and stupid wins the race.  Now that that is set, I just have to sit back and watch some NBA until about 4:30 where I’ll then turn to the race right before some car goes crowd surfing in the stands.  They’ll red flag the race and we’ll have a green, white, checkers that’ll be as hectic as shopping during Black Friday.  I hope everyone stocked up on their Vagisil and Budweiser early this morning because that shit is gone now that the race is about to start.  Y’all missed out on the perfect snack for when you’re watching those poor and stupid fucks turn left.  NASCAR!

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