Zach Randolph Hates Cats And I Don’t Blame Him

Yahoo! Sports – During his 12-year NBA career, Zach Randolph has made it abundantly clear on a number of occasions that he’s not scared of anybody on the basketball court. The 6-foot-9, 260-pound Memphis Grizzlies power forward has gone toe-to-toe with some of the league’s biggest and baddest dudes over the years, including, most recently, Oklahoma City Thunder center Kendrick Perkins; their November clash resulted in ejections, a $25,000 fine for Randolph and one of the season’s great quotes: Z-Botelling Memphis radio host Chris Vernon, “I’m good with these hands, man. I’m a jackin’ dude.” (There’s also the off-court and past stuff, which only bolster Z-Bo’s never-scared bona fides.) 

But as Randolph told ESPN Playbook’s Sam Alipour in an interview pegged to the episode’s Jan. 11 premiere, his love for dogs (he owns several and acts as a spokesperson for the Memphis Humane Society) doesn’t extend to all furry, four-legged creatures. Nor, it seems, does his fearlessness:

Like you, I’m a dog lover. On a possibly related note, I feel, in my heart of hearts, that cats are evil. Feel me?

Naw, you’re right: You can’t be both a dog lover and a cat lover. I’ve got a crazy phobia about cats. For some reason, I’m always thinking they’re going to scratch me. If a cat walks up, I’m going, “Oh no, this dude about to scratch me — I know it!” Cats scare the hell out of me. I love animals, but I’m no cat lover. Guys usually aren’t.


Interesting. Then maybe you can help me out. My buddy, Mike Garrett, an otherwise normal, single, young man, is very seriously considering buying a cat. He won’t listen to me, so maybe he’ll listen to Z-Bo. Mike’s crazy, right?

Oh, man, tell him to buy a dog! [Laughs.] Yo, I’m serious, tell your friend — tell him right now: You don’t need no cat, Mike. Buy a dog.


Never have I read something and felt an instant connection to how I am as a person. I feel like Z-Bo and I are on the same wave length as human beings. Like we’re the same person besides the color of our skin, the 1-foot height difference and 140-pound weight difference. I absolutely can’t stand cats either. I’m not scared of them per say, but I too always feel like they’re out to scratch me. That all they want to do is get up on me, then stretch and use me as a scratching post. Worst is when they go to jump off and don’t even realize they’re being an asshole about it. Plus they feel gross. Every time you pick them up you can feel the bones and insides. Gives me the chills just thinking about it. Not to mention, cats have to shit in boxes in the house. That’s fucking disgusting as it is.

My sister’s cat cries 18 times a day for food, he sheds all over the place, he runs track throughout our house when he’s hungry- which is basically all day, he throws up randomly, and because he’s a cat we have to keep a box full of sand in the house for him to shit in. We’re going on 8-years maybe, I’m not totally sure, but I’ve been trying to negotiate a way to sell him. Even give him away. Either or is good for me. Unfortunately Sandra has a soft spot for my sister even though she complains almost as often as I do about the feline.

So Z-Bo is right, no rightful man should choose to own a cat. Not by choice. Not over a dog. Cats are for chicks. Dogs are for men. There’s a reason they’re nicknamed “man’s best friend.” You don’t need no cats, guys. Get yourselves a dog. I wish I had one.



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