Jack Lew’s signature has got me to thinking that I need to redo mine. Right now its simple- a “B” then a squiggly line followed by a my last name in cursive. Lew has shown me that I’m investing way to much time in my signature. If I ever plan on making it big I won’t have time to spell my entire name out for autograph seekers. I’ll be too busy handling real important business. Whatever business it is that important people do. I’m guessing it’ll be a lot of waving to the norms of the world, starring in my own reality show, tweeting stalkerish fans, sipping latte’s, Instragraming my lattes, paying little to no tax, taking expensive vacations, cheating on my significant other, ignoring my children for the fame, and wearing topnotch designer threads that are gifted to me rather than paying for. Who has time for long drawn out signatures when you have a life like that? So without further ado, here are my Top 5 choices for a new signature:
#1: Braille Signature – I know what you’re thinking- but Sports Reporter you said writing your regular name was too much work? I know, and it is. But writing in braille would be exciting and new for a while. It might be complicated to nail every time, but I feel like its a good way for me to connect to my blind audience. Really get to know everyone. I could use this one as a way to keep me on my toes, spice up my life. If I’m ever feeling bored, or somehow wind up in the Perkins School For The Blind, I know I can make my way through it and come out safely.
#2: Rolando McClain Signature – This one is dedicated to Rolando McClain. It gets right to the point. Don’t worry who the fuck I am. If you don’t know me by my face, you don’t need to know me. Take your little slip of paper and get the fuck out of my face. I’ll leave this for the days where my household decides to ask me 500 questions before 11am when they know damn well the rule is to NEVER talk to me before lunchtime and to NEVER ask me questions.
#3: The Heart Rate: This is for the days where I’m feeling artistic. I can make it look as though I’m feeling real healthy that day, or I could make it look as though I’m about to croak at any second. No more describing how I’m feeling. This would be my proof, my explanation.
#4: The Line Signature – This one doesn’t have to be as straight as the image shows. All it has to do is go straight across. Pretend you are crossing something out. Badda bing, badda boom, you have your signature.
#5: The X: This one is also rather simple, and so far my favorite. Little more extravagant than the Line Signature but a lot less complicated than the Heart Rate or Braille. Makes you a little more personable too, but without going over the top. Gets you right to the point. The X Signature could also be substituted for the Check Signature. See Below.
Although, I guess I could just get myself one of these. Allows me to be fancy and sophisticated while at the same time refusing to break my morals of being lazy. Just a reach into my back pocket, a quick slam down on your document and voilà, you have my John Hancock. But then I’d have to carry it around in my pocket, with an ink pad. Kind of a hassle. Plus it could be messy and ruin my donated designer threads. Can’t have that happening. Agh, fuck life and the curveballs that it throws at you.