Fantasy Football Is That Ugly Girl At The Party Who Thinks She’s Hot, And You’re Too Drunk To Care

I have some weird sleeping patterns. Actually,  I wouldnt call them patterns. I basically cant fall asleep unless I’m 1000mg deep in Tylenol PM. Thats my drug of choice. Well tonight, I forgot. So 3am hit and I was fucked. Been scrolling the internet, reddit, and blogging ever since. Then I started checking my fantasy football team. You know, that mediocre bunch of scrubs thats 1-4 through the season. The same team that consists of Philip Rivers, Andre Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Fred Jackson, Aaron Hernandez, Mikel LeShoure, Anquan Boldin, Dennis Pitta, Denarius Moore, and Houston’s defense. I’d mention my kicker, but I’m playing kicker by committee right now. I had that scrub Garrett Hartley. Anyways, I got to thinking, why is my team playing so horribly? Where did I go wrong? And then it hit me like an uppercut from a bus driver…


Philip Rivers throws like Uncle Rico. While watching last Sunday’s SNF game, I swore I heard him yell “Watch me throw this here football over them mountains!” as he hucked the ball up to Robert Meachem. Are we serious with this? Dude knows there’s no mountains in New Orleans, right? There’s barely any land when you’re 10,000 feet below sea level.

Andre Johnson is playing with a quarterback who is the leader of Houston’s version of the KKK. 5 targets went to AJ last week while 17 went to his 3 white counterparts. And 12 of those were catchable. Only one of AJ’s was. And he caught it.

Dwayne Bowe plays in KC. And his quarterback is Matt Cassel. Fuck, that’s my fault. I forgot about that when I was drafting him. To you, Eric Winston, yes I was cheering when Cassel went down. Bowe needs someone who can throw him the ball. Fuck, I forgot Brady Quinn was his backup. God damn I’m screwed on this one.

DeSean Jackson was my 7th round steal. So far he’s been pretty good. I cant complain too much. Other than Philly should learn how to block those guys in different color jerseys so Mike Vick has time to scan the field and find DJax. He’s basically hiking the ball and playing hot potato with it. The guy who accidentally shot his son took more time to make a decision before pulling the trigger.

LeSean McCoy – See DeSean Jackson. And add, the O-line sucks at run blocking so Andy Reid runs qb draws for his fumblitis quarterback, making LeSean lead block for him. Also, LeSean is forced to pass block because the O-line sucks so bad, limiting his pass catching capabilities.

Aaron Hernandez was taken out by  Julian Edelman. Belidouche sent him in to steal Welker’s job, but once Brady kept throwing it to Wes, Julian became outraged like Skyler after she suspected Walt of cheating but later found out he was just a meth dealer. Oh you havent seen Breaking Bad? Oops. Back to my story. Edelman became outraged and took out Hernandez. Belidouche later became pissed at Julian for ruining the offense and we havent seen him since. And I havent seen Hernandez. Fuck you, Julian.

Anquan Boldin has been another bright surprise to go along with DeSean. He was my 8th round pick, I believe. Unfortunately for me, his biggest weeks have been spent on my bench because, well, I have no one to sit in place of him. That might change if Schaub doesnt take off his white hoodie.

Finally, there’s Fred Jackson who was tackled on one of his first runs of the first game of the season, spraining his LCL. I blame this on that over-juiced, workout freak who thinks he’s an NFL safety. I think his name is LaRon Landry. Seriously though, have you guys seen this man? Its almost cartoonish the way he looks. Lifting elephants stuffed with weights is right.


I need a prayer, a hail mary, and a saving grace to get me through this season. Timmy Tebow, where you at?!?! Im one more putrid week away from overdosing myself on this vancomycin intravenous antibiotic or taking 1500-2000mg of Tylenol PM and never having a sleeping problem again.


I ask myself every year, why do you enjoy fantasy football? Why do you constantly keep re-creating the league for everyone to join? Well the answer is, the devil tells me to. Thats my only excuse. He must own my thoughts from Early August until week 1. Because as soon as week 1 hits I fucking hate fantasy football as much as I did in September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June and July of the previous year. Fantasy football is like the Sandusky of my like. None stop sexual harassment where everyone knows about it  and witnesses it but no one steps up to stop it. My league is full of Penn State alums. Figuratively of course.


My wish is that the zombie apocalypse hits soon and the zombies eat the fingers and hands of my league counterparts so that they’re unable to edit their teams rosters. That way I can have an advantage. At least mentally. Id probably still lose because players like Rodgers, J.Charles, Ryan Mathews, Brees, RGIII, Foster, Vick, and Colston would go for upwards of 40 the week I play against them, narrowly beating me out by 3 points or so. Mix in AJ not catching, Rivers throwing over imaginary mountains, and FJax applying for Medicare and you have the perfect storm for a 12th place finish. But, at least I didnt start the season 0-9. Thats my saving grace.




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