Gawker – This morning a tipster forwarded us an email from a future bride laying out some ground rules for her prospective bridesmaids.
To m lovely Bridesmaid: [Names removed to protect the brideslaves]
As you all know I picked 10 wonderful ladies to stand by my side, share and make happen my special day to Jake. Each of you individually have a reason and a special place in my heart of why I picked you to be a bridesmaid. We have set our date for Saturday, August 31, 2013 in Vail, Colorado. That seems far away but it really isn’t, the earlier the planning the better. You may have already knew that my wonderful sister L— will be the Maid of Honor, she’s in charge under me. Also my lovely mom will be a big help as well. L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party, of course all of you guys do but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.
You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I’m going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC’d unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that’s a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.
Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn’t make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you’ll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it’s different if your not in the wedding party and couldn’t make it. We’ll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I’ve never been.
A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don’t want to be surprised. I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don’t care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone. Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don’t have time to deal with that, I’m sorry. This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we’ll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that’s why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.
If your out of state though don’t think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get measurements..you don’t have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I’m not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya! I don’t have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn’t take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!
Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn’t pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what’s stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don’t think you’ll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I’m sorry but I’ll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest. If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that’s fine. Really think about everything I’ve said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!
I truthfully wanted to write this blog about how I could never be married because my fear is finding a woman, falling in love with her, asking her to be my wife, and finding out that she is the above mentioned. A complete, 100%, controlling bitch. But, the more I got to reading it, the more I began to laugh and the more I began to respect her. I mean, she basically told her friends how it was. This is my wedding. You have to make every event. EVERY EVENT. You have to wear a top notch dress. You have to afford the flights. And you have to get back to me within a day at any point from February to August. A straight power move. The biggest of power moves. But, she did say it was going to be the most epic wedding ever. And no one wants to miss the most epic wedding ever. I attend weddings just in case they turn into the most epic wedding ever. I’ve yet to experience that. I’ve had a couple decent weddings, but nothing you could make a movie about starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.
PS, I agree with her about the dress thing. I mean, if you’re going to be in a wedding and you show up in a Forever 21 dress.. just kill yourself. At least head over to Express and get yourself something a little classier. Also, how scared should her fiancé be? He has to live with this for the rest of his life. Good luck enjoying football on the weekend, or golf tournaments with the boys, or blow jobs, or sex. She’s going to have a list of chores for you to do everyday after work, all day on Saturday and Sundays, and on the off-chance that she says you guys can get down and dirty, she’s going to have a list of requests like, “you have to have showered within 5 minutes, I’ll only suck it until you get it up, I’m not getting on my knees, and I’m not moving after I’ve already came. But, the sex with be the most epic sex you’ve ever had.” Yeah, alright, sweetheart. I think I’ll just go whack it in the shower.
PSS, I hoping Mean Girls 2 has this as their plot. I’d watch that once a day for 7 days, and twice on the weekend.