Let’s Talk Fantasy Football…


Pencil me in for every single one of those. You see, every year right around late June/early July, the Sports Reporter gets jacked up thinking about fantasy football. All my boys and I talk about is how great the game is, how much we’re looking forward to our league, and where we want to pick in the draft. When in actuality, the game blows balls, I absolutely hate it, and no matter where you draft, you will get fucked over by the Fantasy God’s. See, I thought I had it this year, took McCoy in the 1st round, grabbed Andre Johnson in the 2nd, Freddie Jackson in the 3rd, Bowe in the 4th, Rivers in the 5th, DeSean Jax in the 6th, I used my Keeper pick to take Aaron Hernandez in the 13th, and rounded my draft out with Robert Meachem, Anquan Boldin, Mikel LeShoure, Isaac Redman, Santana Moss and Davone Bess, with Hartley as my kicker and Houston as my defense. Then week 1 hit and Freddie went down within the first series with a sprained knee ligament. I was then forced to pick up McCluster and drop Moss. McCluster had went for 14 points the week before- we play a PPR league- and was a WR and RB in our league. I chose to play McCluster in week 2, and I believe he scored 8 points that week. Sweet. And on top of that, Aaron Hernandez was taken out by his own WR, Julian Edelman, with a high ankle sprain. He scored 0 points that week. I then hit up the waiver wire for Dennis Pitta. Week 3 hit and I was still looking for my first win even though I had scored 126 points week 1 and 122 in week 2. You see, I had ended up with the 2nd highest points scored against me within the first 2 weeks. And I was down a guy each week. But I didn’t sweat it. Not until late Sunday night. You see, in week 3 I had Philip Rivers score me exactly 4.85 points. As a quarterback. Every member of my team outscored my quarterback. My kicker shanked a 30 yard field goal. A.Johnson caught 2 passes- luckily one was for 60 yards and a touchdown- and my defense got shelled by that weak noodled QB out in Denver. Yeah, dude looked pretty good in the 4th for all you haters out there. I scored 104 points that week and lost again. By 11. All because of Philip “I can’t complete a pass” Rivers. But, that wasn’t even the worst part of my year so far. Tuesday hit and word was that Freddie J was way ahead of his recovery and was looking to start and play this week. I was jumping for joy. I mean, I know LeShoure went bonkers for me last week, but Freddie was my main dude. I named my team after  him- FreddieGotDisfigured. Then word came out today that Aaron Hernandez was also healing quicker than anticipated and he was moving around with no walking boot or help at all. My season had finally turned around. Week 4 was going to be my jumping off point. The League was in for it. That was until about 1 hour and 30 minutes ago when I finished watching the Cleveland/Baltimore game and had to totally take in that my starting tight end- Dennis Pitta- had played an entire game, unhurt, and totaled “0” catches for “0” yards for “0” touchdowns and “0” points for FreddieGotDisfigured. You’re kidding me, right? He had led the team in targets for the season. He was Flacco’s favorite dude. What’d he do, bang Cool Joe’s girl? His mom? Say Joe wasn’t Elite? I mean, Jesus Christ bro, throw the dude a ball. And on top of all that, Cool Joe decided that Anquan was going to be his favorite receiver tonight. The night he sat my bench. Yeah, I sat him for DeSean. Bada bing, bada boom, there goes the dynamite on my team. ‘Quan scored 22.1 points while riding pine. Why does fantasy football have to be so cruel? Why can’t things just go right? If the guys is projected to get 9 points, then God damn it, let him get at least 9 points. Not “0”. Now I’m going on week 4 of playing 8 guys versus 9 guys. A man down every week for 4 straight damn weeks. My prediction is New York shuts down DeSean and McCoy, Rivers gets about 15 points against Kansas City’s scab defense, AJ maybe catches 3 balls and scores 9 points, LeShoure comes back to Earth with an 8 pointer, Freddie doesn’t even play, and Bowe is probably the bright spot of FreddieGotDisfigured with a 15 point performance. But, in the end I’ll lose again. Going 0-4 on the season. Gotta love fantasy football. Gotta love it.

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